You are here

When your hands age...

Published: 
Monday, May 22, 2017

There I was looking all fabulous in my tangerine trapeze top and vanilla pants when, suddenly, the roof flew off the top of my head and my brain caught fire.

EeeeK! As I was admiring the photograph of myself posing with my best friends, I saw the naked truth: I had old-lady hands. I almost fainted after screaming my lungs out.

My lovelies were looking all thin and veiny, like they belonged to the crypt-keeper in a horror movie. Just goes to show: when we should know better, we don’t. If my neck betrayed me already, why did I think my hands would be faithful and remain young forever?

I have to add this to my fresh list of Things People Have A Shocking Ability To Be Surprised By Over And Over Again.

I gave you the first version earlier this year, in honour of the late American writer and humorist Nora Ephron. Now, I will add one to grow on, so here is my list of “Twenty-Seven Things People Have A Shocking Ability To Be Surprised By Over and Over Again.’’

1. There I was looking all fabulous in my tangerine trapeze top and vanilla pants when, suddenly, the roof flew off the top of my head and my brain caught fire. EeeeK! As I was admiring the photograph of myself posing my best friends, I saw the naked truth: I had old-lady hands. I almost fainted after screaming my lungs out.

My lovelies were looking all thin and veiny, like they belonged to the crypt-keeper in a horror movie. Just goes to show: when we should know better, we don’t. If my neck betrayed me already, why did I think my hands would be faithful and remain young forever?

I have to add this to my fresh list of Things People Have a Shocking Ability to be Surprised by Over and Over Again.

I gave you the first version earlier this year, in honour of the late American writer and humorist Nora Ephron. Now, I will add one to grow on, so here is my list of “Twenty-Seven Things People Have a Shocking Ability to be Surprised By Over and Over Again.’’

1. Hands get old as fast as the rest of you and this is one more way that life is not fair because where you really want to lose weight is on the mid-section, not your beautiful hands, which are meant to be kissed, not hidden behind your back in pictures.

2. People make mistakes, even those with lots of letters after their names. In fact, the more letters, the bigger the mistakes.

3. People over-use cell phones.

4. Cell phones bills are high. And roaming fees will kill you.

5. Even in a recession, Trinidadians demand luxury goods and imported condensed milk and won’t give them up easily.

6. Government offices put you on hold and play dreary music when you call, actually expecting to speak to a live person.

7. Giving birth to babies hurts. Everywhere.

8. Five-year-olds are smart.

9. Not everyone who speaks out on an issue is doing so for selfless reasons.

10. Overweight women own mirrors and so don’t need to be reminded by officious bystanders that they are overweight and so they will get annoyed by your proclivity for rudely pointing out the obvious.

11. Trekkies have no respect for the Star Wars empire.

12. Lots of people in high office use green verbs.

13. Killing yourself in the gym three times a week will not undo the effects of a lifetime of lazy habits and crummy eating habits.

14. Ignoring your dentist’s advice means bad things will happen.

15. Tall, good-looking people get more attention.

16. Bad people do bad things. Good people also do bad things sometimes.

17. Wikipedia is not always reliable.

18. Fake news looks just like the real thing.

19. If a Nigerian prince you have never met contacts you online and asks you to invest in a sure thing and all you have to do is wire money, you are being scammed.

20. You didn’t really win a million pounds in an international lottery which you never played and all you have to do to collect, is wire money for taxes and legal fees.

21. Cable channels repeat the same programmes over and over again.

22. Technology can let you down.

23. This too will pass.

24. Trinidadians drive cray-cray.

25. Formal education is no indicator of intelligence or common sense.

26. Not all old people are wise. But lots are.

27. Things are never as bad as they seem after a good night’s sleep, a cup of fresh brewed coffee and a kiss from a loved one. Sometimes, they are actually worse.

 

Keep calm and carry on at [email protected]

Disclaimer

User comments posted on this website are the sole views and opinions of the comment writer and are not representative of Guardian Media Limited or its staff.

Guardian Media Limited accepts no liability and will not be held accountable for user comments.

Guardian Media Limited reserves the right to remove, to edit or to censor any comments.

Any content which is considered unsuitable, unlawful or offensive, includes personal details, advertises or promotes products, services or websites or repeats previous comments will be removed.

Before posting, please refer to the Community Standards, Terms and conditions and Privacy Policy

User profiles registered through fake social media accounts may be deleted without notice.