In the wee hours of Sunday morning, scores of volunteers swarmed the quiet beach of Sandy Point at the very tip of Tobago’s South Western Coast.
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HOW TO CHOOSE A MAN
When choosing a man, the sensible woman must closely examine his trousers in order to determine the size of his most important attribute. In past times, this was much easier to do, since a wallet stuffed with cash made an obvious bulge. But, in these days of credit cards, a slim wallet can indicate either a good man or a man who is completely incapable of giving the kind of love most women need and desire.
However, if the man’s pants cost at least $1,000 and has a genuine leather belt that retails $500 or more, a woman can reasonably infer that his wallet contains the credit limit required for a close and caring relationship. Of course, all else being equal, the woman herself must possess the qualities required to attract a good man, such as a pulse. At the same time, if his bank balance is over $5 million and his monthly income $50,000 or more, a sensible woman may need to offer matching numbers to keep a good man’s interest, such as 34-24-36.
Many women in T&T have these exact numbers. Also, many of the men don’t use wallets. However, this makes it even easier for women to find a good man, since all they have to do is examine his high-top sneakers and gold chains. This indicates how worthy a man is, since it shows that he can either afford to buy jewelry or knows how to steal it. Also that he has big feet.
Now it may seem that choosing such men is not wise, since their violent nature may cause them to kill a woman who horns them or takes away their child. But gender feminists give the assurance that all women–married, single, young and old–are all at risk of being harassed, abused and killed by all men. Which means that all women need to choose their men very carefully, except lesbians.
So, among the other critical criteria women should apply, is sex. A good man gives his woman sex whenever she wants and, more importantly, doesn’t harass her for it when she doesn’t want. Since men on average want sex more frequently than women, this is also a good test for ensuring that a man will not horn, watch porn, or eat chocolate. Of course, a woman never tells her man that she’s not in the mood since, if he really loves her, he will be able to read her mind.
The other crucial criterion is, of course, violence. A good man will never hit a woman, even if she’s beating him with a hammer. In fact, a really good man would praise her for knowing how to use a tool. Such men do exist, since surveys of violent couples which question both men and women find that the women hit the men as often as the men hit the women, and that women hit men far more often without getting hit in return. This last is the kind of man gender feminists would recommend for all women, if gender feminists ever had anything good to say about men or ever admitted that women can be violent. After all, if women do abuse or kill men on occasion, it’s only because the patriarchy made them do it.
Then there are the lesser but still essential criteria that women should apply when choosing a man: will he buy her fried chicken and ice cream every day if she wants and, when she asks if she’s getting fat always say No with a look of utter amazement that she’s even asking such a stupid question? If she horns him, will he ask what he did to drive her into the arms of another man and, if he horns her, will he buy her a Porsche to make her stay or give her the house if she decides to get divorced? Finally, good man will never be angry, moody or tired, since men don’t get PMS.
As for men, they should appreciate the fact that they do not need to choose their women wisely, since all women are wonderful.
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Kevin Baldeosingh is a professional writer, author of three novels, and co-author of a Caribbean history textbook.